NFL Week 4 Fantasy Start Em/Screw Em Game Previews

 Replacement Refs Still Win Edition!

by Matt Prendergast

Based on the first three weeks of both fantasy and real NFL footballs, one thing has become abundantly clear: God and/or the NFL hates me. I'm betting on the latter, but based on my picks from last week, I'm probably way off on that.

So this week, using a little of that fancy 'ESPN SportsScience' they showed on Monday that proved that the optimum quarterback height is 3'7", along with a lot of my own 'ReclinerQB Replacement Officials Factor' (it kinda like sabermetrics, except not boring and for nerds), we're gonna do things a little different.....last week, some guy named 'Javorski' scored a touchdown, so it's clearly time to take this off-road. Enjoy the ride!

And despite Twitter getting all suckered in today, it's Wednesday, and a deal isn't close, so strap your harnesses tight, because this jackalopes are running Week Four, come hell or high-water.

A RARE THURSDAY NIGHT WHO CARES GAME PREVIEW!

Browns@Ravens - In a normal world, I'd say 'start all your Ravens, except screw their defense, and pretty much only start Richardson from the Browns, unless you're stuck in a 'bye week, then maybe Greg Little?' But this weekend changed the entire football stratosphere, forever, so instead....

Look at that gorgeous hair!

Browns Start: Bernie Kosar. There's no #19 currently on the Browns' roster, so there's a terrific chance that Kosar will receive statistical credit for 280 yards passing and 3 touchdowns - ignore the fact that one of those will be a field goal, one will be a runback by #16 Josh Cribbs, and one will be scored by the Ravens - you're trying to win in your fantasy league, jerk, you've got to go where the credit will be given. Browns Screw (gross): Trent Richardson, who is guaranteed to finish the day with 23 rushes for -52 yards of defensive pass interference.

Ravens Start: Dennis Pitta wears #88, so by all means, you need to roll rookie WR Deonte Thompson, who may possibly be inactive, but wears number 83, and 3's look like 8's, right? He will get you about 78 yards and a score in the TE spot (and in a PPR, his 14 targets will be unconquerable). Ravens Screw: Ray Rice - as he is both a rushing and receiving threat, this kills his value, as current NFL officiating policy dictates that positive rushing yards cancel out positive receiving yards at a one-to-one ratio, so Rayplug is gonna end up with about 6 and a Quarter total yards from scrimmage.

The Cleveland Browns Take It With a Third Quarter Touchback For the Winning 9 Points

We Move to the Regular Games.....

Chargers @ Chiefs - A Barnburner!

Charger Start: Vincent Brown on the IR will really take KC by surprise with his four touchdowns on fair catches. Charger Screw: Malcom Floyd, who is certain to be hampered all day long by multiple seven-yard penalties for 'Spelling Malcolm Wrong'.

Chief Start: Peyton Hillis, because the back judge totally needs 31 out of him in the flex. Chief Screw (That's a terrific mascot name, btw): Jamaal Charles, who, as alluded to earlier, will be unwantonly contributing all his Sunday stats to the Peyton Hillis Flex Experience.

Chiefs Win: 31 to 4


Cheathawks @ Rams - We're gonna go 'very special episode' here for just a minute, so bear with me; Eff Pete Carroll, Eff Russell Wilson, and then use both of them to violently Eff Golden Taint. You will never be forgiven, you three lying crapsacks. They should have hobbled you on your way out of USC, Pete, and hobbled you good.

Deacon's own jersey was so frightened of him that
it urinated on itself before he put it on. Fact.

Cheathawks Start: All of them - Wilson, Taint, Edwards, Lynch, Obamanu, Largent, T.O., Shaun Alexander - ALL of them, ever. Because all they need to do is cry a little longer, and use those puppy eyes and and all the rules change. Every Seahawk that ever lived will get you 112 yards rushing, 105 receiving, 2 touchdowns in fantasy this week, plus 3 picks for IDP leagues. Cheathawk Screw: All of them, again. But this time with a pneumatic hammer.

Rams Start: Deacon Jones and the Rams D. Don't matter if Deacon ain't playing anymore, he's sure enough gonna make sure these chump refs finally give him credit for 347 sacks, and do you think any of those puds are gonna argue with Deacon? Rams Screw (painful): Steven Jackson, who's bound to have his knee destroyed when four of the 'Hawks Malachi Crunch his right knee helmet-first.

Cheathawks Win By -12 points!


49ers @ Jets - This game will be history-making, as it will be the first time John Harbaugh and Rob Ryan square off against each other according to the officiating cheat sheets.

Niner Start: Jim Harbaugh - chances are terrific that the one replacement ref who helped built the railroad across this great land is going to remember Captain Comeback is a QB, and that'll be good enough for 223 and three and a half touchdowns. Niner Screw: Randy Moss. That one's serious. Don't play Randy anymore. Ever.

Jets Start: Jim Harbaugh, because the other ref that needed a ride to the stadium on account of the shakes and the 'not legal to drive' condition will also remember JH is a quarterback, but he's sure not listening to that old fart back judge about which team, he smells like buttfoot. Also good here for 223 and three and a half touchdowns. Jets Screw:  Plaxico Burress, who is going to kill the Jets momentum with his patented fourth quarter 'unopen in the end zone on account of not having a job'. This will result in four minutes in the penalty box for Dustin Keller.

Niners Win On a Third Period Drop Goal!

Panthers @ Falcons - Yeesh. Even without the crud reffing, this is going to be ugly.

'You got Cam too? AWESOME, DUDE!'

Panthers Start: Cam. You know damn well at least three of every one of these Fan Crews drafted him early in the first round, probably with a top 3 pick. Panthers Screw: Well, the rest of them certainly aren't getting any breaks. Expect a lot of called-back runs and receptions under Replacement Rule Book #34: 'No Forward Progress Unless You're Cam Newton'.

Falcons Start: Billy Joe Tolliver as your WR1, has to be, because he wore #11, and Latinos don't play football, right, white hat judge? 'Julio', that's funny! Falcons Screw: Tony Gonzalez, because man oh man, white hat judge, now you're trying to trick me again! If'n there ain't a first one, there sure ain't another one! You're sh-thouse crazy, funny! Sure I'll buy an old Saturn from you after the game!

Final Score: Cam Newton 52 Panthers 0 Falcons 7

Vikings @ Lions - Certainly didn't expect the Vikes to be leading their division, didja? But I did expect the Lions to sorta suck it, so I was kinda right.

Vikings Start: Chris Kluwe, who should lead the Vikes offensively with 25 points based on the traditional NFL '5 points per punt' rule, instated way back at the kick-off of this game. Viking Screw: Jerome Simpson, because that sideline judge is also his parole officer, and he's gonna set him up for 'holding' with a drop bag on his first game back.

Lions Start: Barry Sanders, who will finally get that NFL rushing record he hasn't been chasing for 14 years. Lions Screw: Kevin Smith. Like usual.

Vikings Win,  7-6, 3-6, 7-4 and Advance to the Quarterfinals

Patriots @ Bills - One things for certain in this week's re-staging of this immortal blood feud: One of these teams is leaving with a retroactively cleansed undefeated record, and the other will be exiled to Bolivia to begin their new lives as a sugar cartel. (Replacement Rule Book #123)

Pats Start: Steve Grogan, the greatest quarterback in Patriots' history See below for all the proof you need. Pats Screw: Lou Diamond Phillips in La Bamba.

Bills Start: OJ Simpson. Bills Screw: OJ Simpson.

Nicole Brown Simpson Is The Loser In This Matchup.....OLD SCHOOL OJ HUMOR FTW!

Bengals @ Jaguars - This game will be cancelled due to Head Referee Jim Core's incurable lifelong fear of big cats.

Double Forfeit, Which Means Free Crunch Dip at Dairy Queen!

Dolphins @ Cardinals - It's gonna be a tough ride to the desert for the Sunshine Saviors - particularly since the Ruby Tuesday's next to the Red Roof where the refs are staying is running a 3-for-1 on Jagerbombs on the Saturday night before.

'That's a 5 yard penalty for...uh..krunking?'

Dolphin Start: Karlos Dansby. Playing against his old squad, Karlos should easily be able to intimidate the officiating crew into crediting him with 4 sacks, 2 picks and 11 Two Point Conversions. Dolphin Screw: I'd feel safe playing any of their receivers, as all the OPI calls will be going against Chad Johnson, that guy the officials saw on Hard Knocks, because he's their receiver, right guys?

Cardinals Start: Beanie Wells, though temper your expectations, as his status on the IR will likely result in being credited with under 8 three-pointers. Cardinals Screw: Larry Fitzgerald, as his propensity for roughing the passer, icing the puck, and filibustering the House of Representatives is going to cost his fantasy owners more than a few Pac-Mans.

Raiders @ Broncos - Finally, a game this week that may indeed elicit a stadium fire with one bad call! While the 'inciting' part of that riot might be easier were this in Oakland, that fresh mountain air sure can carry an ember!

Raider Start: Seabass. This one's for real. Seabass is not only the greatest kicker to ever play, not only the greatest Raider to ever play, but might one day be regarded as the greatest person ever. Raider Screw: Darren McFadden, who will be forcibly ejected from the game early in the first quarter for 'Eyeballing the Back Judge' (Replacement Rule Book #3)

Broncos Start: Eh, whoever, pick one! Broncos sit: Gary Hogeboom.

Final Score: Denver: Eleventy, Raiders: π


Titans Oilers @ 1984 Texas Rangers - What better way to celebrate our rich American history in sports than by really going throwback! Anybody can wear a jersey, but not just anybody can use their oil money to tear a rip in the time-space continuum....HOORAY FOR TEXAS!

Oiler Start: The Tyler Rose, Earl Mothereffing Campbell. Below is the greatest run in the history of the sport, and some thirty years later, will garner you 15 and 2/3rds points in regular fantasy scoring Oiler Screw: Chris Johnson. Seriously: Eff that guy already. Useless. He'll be good for 18 carries for 3 yards. FOR REALS.

Rangers Start: Buddy Bell...should go 3 for 5 with a double and a knock. A ringer against lefties, and a solid glove. Rangers Screw: Odell Jones. Classic gas can. Oilers should light him up early.

WINNER: THE HOUSTON COLT '45s

Redskins @ Buccaneers - Considerado un clásico de rivalidad absolutlely nadie, aquí está uno de esos 'sólo' para los fans de emparejamientos en la cuarta semana.

Redskins Beginn: Ryan Grant - Sie wollten nicht unterschreiben ihn seinen Arsch auf der Bank sitzen! 152 Meter und eine halbe Touchdown! Redskins Schäube: Robert Griffin III, da diese refs haben genug von seinem "Talent" Unsinn hatte.

Buccaneers Početak: Stvarno, Doug Martin je samo redovito 'ići' na ovoj momčadi tjedna u tjedan dana i van, ali Redskins nisu najtvrđeg protiv pass, pa ako bi moglo biti dobar tjedan za Vincent Jackson ili Mike Williams - osobito u savijati. Buccaneers Vijak: Josh Freeman je najviše nezanimljiv bek početkom u NFL danas.

Fitorja Për Redskins, që të fillojnë të kërkojnë Moxie e tyre!

Saints @ Packers - I'm too close to this one, so instead I'm turning over this game preview to fellow ReclinerQB contributor Sonny Prier:


New Orleans Saints = Napping guy
Green Bay Packers = Pit bull
NFL Referees = Renton

*Originally published on The Fantasy Football Guys forums



Start ALL your Packers, and screw ALL your Saints.

Winner by a score of Green Bay 48 to New Orleans 14....THE SAINTS!

Giants @ Eagles - Once a must-see, I'm afraid this year's showdown might get pretty unwatchable fast.

Giant Start: Eli Manning, as Umpire Oscar Shorten's kid has had that Manning Fathead up on the wall for ten years now, only he's wearing mostly white and a little blue, but that's the same guy, right? Give him six downs! Giant Screw (that's funny, kids!): All the NFL fans. Again this week.

Eagles Start: LeSean Tomlinson Eagles Screw: Goddamned Vick. That's a real one. Not touching that guy again this year.


Bears @ Cowboys - This is the Monday Night Game, right? Probably going to miss most of it, because there's no way it's gonna be as terrific as last week.

Bear Start: Cutty! If you're in a '10 points per interception or sack taken' league! Bear Screw: Cutty! If you're not.

Cowboys Start: Romo! If you're in a '10 points per interception or sack taken' league! Cowboy Screw: Romo! If you're not.

Winner: The NFLRA

Please join me Sunday for my 'Trapped in the RedZone' live blog of all the day's happenings, and join me again next week here, when hopefully sanity has been restored and Mike Carey returns to claim the throne that is his.

Wasn't that something? Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's lonely.

In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - they deserve love too!

ReclinerQB, Sonny Prier, JR Sheppard, Corey Doiron, Christie Mac, Marcus Wyche, and Josh.