The 'I've Got An Hour To Crank This Out Edition'
by Matt Prendergast
Howdy do! Welcome back to this cavalcade of questionable recommendations, we're glad you're here! As we've now got a firm five weeks under our belts, two things are clear: a) The Green Bay Packers aren't very good anymore, and b) God hates my fantasy football teams.
Got it? Good! Let's pull it out of the oven and eat it before it cools!
That Happened On Thursday: You wanna know how I know the Steelers aren't as good as we are always assuming? They lost to the Titans. And from this, I now know that I am not to trust these clowns. Except Mike Wallace, him I still run without questioning the decision, but the rest of these dudes are a wavery stomach for the forseeable future. And that said, I still don't like ANY of the Titans going forward....but we'll cover that next week.
This Week In Footballs:
Raiders @ Falcons - You're kidding me, right?
Raiders Starts: You're playing McFadden if you got him, unless you're in some ridiculous 6 or 8 team league, which means you probably shouldn't even participate in this hobby, and instead dedicate your time to writing NFL Fan Fiction, where your awesomest-ever Tampa Bay Buccaneers team just won their ninth Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots 114 to 11 after Aaron Rodgers threw a screen pass to 1996 Brett Favre who threw the ball 110 yards to Derrick Brooks who's now an awesome receiver. Raider Screws: Wouldn't touch another Raider. Except Seabass, but you know how I feel about Seabass.
Falcon Starts: Yes. Falcon Screw: No. Unless you really think Jacquizz Rodgers is a good idea, because he isn't.
YAY! FALCONS GO 6-0! Which will make going one-and-out in the playoffs so much better.
Cowboys @ Baltimore - The common sense choice leans towards putting too much emphasis on 'Cowboy Implosion 2012!', and not enough on the fact that for half of their games so far, they're totally great. Also, I love the Ravens, a lot, but their defense kinda looks like Ray Lewis retired last year, and has given Terrell Suggs a terrific renegotiation tool.
|I found this, it's somebody else's. Go watch the YouTube vid.|
'Boys Starts: I'm all in on Tony this week, and Miles, and DeMarco for that matter. Still don't have a lot of trust in Dez Bryant's ability to recognize basic hand functions, but he can't have a terminal case of the Finleys, can he? Also, I start their D. Boys Screw: Yeah, thinking about it, I'm probably skipping on Dez this week.....unless he's a flex.
Ravens Start: Ray Rice and Torrey Smith. Ravens Screw: Joe Flacco, Dennis Pitta and the Defense - Did you realize that Dallas has the top passing defense in the league this year? BECAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN THE MATRIX. You aren't running Anquan out there anymore, so it barely needs a mention, but I don't like any of these dudes this week.
ROMOCOASTER IS BACK ON THE UP! Cowboys win, and somehow do it by finishing a game.
Bengals @ Browns - This is going to sound like I'm lying to you, but I'm not, I swear...this matchup is one of my favorite games every year, because it's always 'don't look around that guy's basement' insane, no matter what....like a Bears/Packers game, all bets are off. It doesn't matter if the Bengals are fighting for third place in the division, or the Browns are fighting for fourth; this is guaranteed tremendous football.
Bengal Starts: Red Rider, Legal Advisors and Insecticon. Bengal Screw: I know the Browns still have a horrible defense, but after two weeks of excitement, Andrew Hawkins has blended back into the scenery, so 'no thanks' to you, tiny little scrapper.
Brown Starts: Trent is a gimme. Now, here's where it's going to become clear I've taken the wrong prescription: If your regular guy is on the bye, I'm all behind a one-week run of Brandon Wheeden. I know what I just typed, shut your hole. And for that matter, I'm big on riding the lighting and taking a chance on Josh Gordon in a WR3 or Flex position. Browns Screw: Can't trust Greg Little, and I repeat, that Wheeden call is for extreme circumstances only.
Haden's Return Disrupts AJ Enough To Give CLE The Win, and Majority Vote in the House.
|This One's For You, Dwain Weddall!|
Rams @ Dolphins - Wait, Rams versus Fins is one of the best match-ups of the week? GIVE ME BACK MY MIND!
Rams Starts: This is gonna sound odd, considering what I'm gonna say four or five sentences from now, but 'nobody'. Not a one Ram shalt I start upon my fantasy roster. Ram Screws: Common logic takes the previous sentence and answers this for you.
Dolphin Starts: Reggie Bush, Hartline in a flex situation. Dolphin Screws: Don't like the defense this week, don't know any of the other receivers....is Davone Bess still there?
The Sum-Of-Their Parts St. Louis Rams Fall Short and Lose On the Road.
Colts @ Jets - Wow, five weeks ago I couldn't have conceived of the following words in the order which I am presenting them: The Jets are coming into this game completely outmatched against the surging Indianapolis Colts.
Colt Starts: Andrew Luck has terrific stats, and you should now start thinking about playing him.....Reggie Wayne is a war machine. Colt Sits: As crap as the Jets really are, I still wouldn't put Vick Ballard in there unless your other RB options are 'a dead guy' and 'cargo pants'.
Jets Starts: Nope.
The Colts will MANHANDLE the Jets, Yet Somehow, Someway, Sanchez Will Still Start Next Week
Lions @ Eagles - Two squads which came into the season with high expectations, and yet are both somehow winning games, sorta. This could lead to something super-exciting to watch, or a seven fumble, nine interception affront to the soul of the game itself.
Lion Starts: Staffy, Meggie....and that's where that sentence ends, again. Lion Screws: Not touching that running game, nor that D, nor any of the extra receivers. Same old Lions.
Eagle Starts: Shady's the only lock, but chances are strong with bye weeks that if you've got DeSean or Vick, you're rolling them....however, if you've got anything close, I'd sit Vick until he stops looking like 'Old Mike Vick from Atlanta who can't pass none'. I know Maclin's been under-performing and crutched-up, but I still like him against the Detroit Secondary. Quiz: NAME A MEMBER OF THE DETROIT SECONDARY. There you go.... Eagle Screw: Again, I really don't like Mike Vick if you're not trapped in his web.
|'Hey Coach? Um, nobody gave me a helmet yet....'|
Chiefs @ Bucs - This shouldn't be televised under human rights laws. One team is totally underperforming, and the other one is the Chiefs.
Game Starts: Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, Vincent Jackson. Game Screws: Other participants, fans of professional football, Matt Cassell's career.
Um....The Chiefs Win, Cool? I mean, they've got to at some point, why not with Brady Quinn?
Bills @ Cardinals - SuperCardinals D is Average. Bills D is horrifying. Kevin Kolb v. Ryan Fitzpatrick; there was a day not too long ago when I imagined I would only see this showdown in a season preview for the UFL, how fortunate that fate has brought us this magical blessing two years early.
Bill Starts: Uh...you got other guys, right? I guess Steve Johnson. Coin-flip on Spiller and Jackson which has quickly devolved into one of the worst time shares for fantasy since Carolina started paying millions of dollars for guys to distract in the flat to open up lanes for Cam. Bills Screw: I'd prefer you play none of them, if I'm being a caring nurturer, but it's your life.
Card Starts: Fitz, Roberts and Kolb - should be a banner goddamned week for the Cards passing game. Cards Screw: That Will Powell guy, or LaRod, or Alphonso, or whoever isn't running the ball this week for AZ.
Cardinals Radio Landslide Victory!
Patriots @ Seabirds - Here's the thing: I hate both of these teams, deeply. On the Patriots side, that's a long-lasting thing; for Seattle, well, you know why. So if it's possible for both teams to lose, then I'm all for it.
Pats Starts: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS. Pats Screws: Six weeks in; six weeks of 'don't play Brandon Lloyd'. I haven't failed you with this yet.....also, don't really like Ridley or Bolden or Vereen or any of their RBs.
Seahawk Start: Marshawn Lynch, duh. Hawk Screw: All the rest....I feel bad for Sidney Rice, he really looked like he was gonna be something before he signed a contract with the Black Hole of Receivers.
Pats Remind Pete Carroll of His Place Via A Sound Beating, Followed By Double B Giving Him An Onfield Noogie.
Giants @ Niners - Flip a coin! This is a big game on both sides, and both squads are gearing up....
Game Starts: Anybody important. Game Screw: Ahmad Bradshaw, who will follow up last week's crazy stats with under forty yards.
Niners Win Because Angry Defense is Angry.
Vikes @ 'Skins - Game of the week? MAYBE. My belief is it's certainly going to be the most entertaining.
Vikes Starts: All the starters - and that includes Jerome Simpson as a WR2. The Redskins are only worse at the pass than the Buccaneers (holy crap, maybe that Brady Quinn thing isn't a bad idea...)
Skin Starts: RG3, Alfred Morris....and for one final week, Pierre Garcon (don't fail me again, Pierre). Skin Sits: Hate Fred Davis in this, not sure why....the whole receiving corps is getting dangerously close to 'Saints-level', with nobody standing out consistently....yet not as soul-damning as the Seattle corps.
Redskins Win a Close One At Home - On the Final Series.
Packers @ Texans - Game of the week? Doubt it.
|Suck it up, it's not 2009 anymore, Number 12.|
Packer Starts: You're playing Rodgers if you have him. James Jones is turning out pretty good for a waiver pickup, huh? Packers Screw: Jordy, Finley, Three-Headed, Two-Yard Running Committee, The Defense, if they field one this week.
Texan Starts: One of two things is going to happen: The Packers' run D shows up, leaving Andre Johnson, Owen Daniels and Matt Schaub open for three scores - or their secondary shows up instead, allowing Arian to rumble for 115 and two sixers. I'd bet on both. Also, their D should be good for 7 sacks. Texan Screw: Don't play Tate. Just don't.
The Homer in Me Wants To Call The Upset; The Realist Wins, and The Packers' Season Is Over. BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T? WHAT IF IT ISN'T?!?
Broncos @ Chargers - LOVE THIS MONDAY NIGHT GAME!
Game Starts: EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE PASSING GAME ON BOTH SIDES. Game Screws: Except Jacob Tamme....and Antonio Gates. Also, eff the running backs. Eff 'em all.
Broncos Win A Big One In a Shootout That MNF Hasn't Seen Since Lynn Dickey.
Buttonhook on three! Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's nice person.