Saturday, October 13, 2012

NFL Week 6: Start'Em/Screw'Em Games Bonanza!

The 'I've Got An Hour To Crank This Out Edition'

by Matt Prendergast

Howdy do! Welcome back to this cavalcade of questionable recommendations, we're glad you're here! As we've now got a firm five weeks under our belts, two things are clear: a) The Green Bay Packers aren't very good anymore, and b) God hates my fantasy football teams.

Got it? Good! Let's pull it out of the oven and eat it before it cools!

That Happened On Thursday: You wanna know how I know the Steelers aren't as good as we are always assuming? They lost to the Titans. And from this, I now know that I am not to trust these clowns. Except Mike Wallace, him I still run without questioning the decision, but the rest of these dudes are a wavery stomach for the forseeable future. And that said, I still don't like ANY of the Titans going forward....but we'll cover that next week.

This Week In Footballs:
Raiders @ Falcons - You're kidding me, right? 

Raiders Starts: You're playing McFadden if you got him, unless you're in some ridiculous 6 or 8 team league, which means you probably shouldn't even participate in this hobby, and instead dedicate your time to writing NFL Fan Fiction, where your awesomest-ever Tampa Bay Buccaneers team just won their ninth Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots 114 to 11 after Aaron Rodgers threw a screen pass to 1996 Brett Favre who threw the ball 110 yards to Derrick Brooks who's now an awesome receiver. Raider Screws: Wouldn't touch another Raider. Except Seabass, but you know how I feel about Seabass. 

Falcon Starts: Yes. Falcon Screw: No. Unless you really think Jacquizz Rodgers is a good idea, because he isn't.

YAY! FALCONS GO 6-0! Which will make going one-and-out in the playoffs so much better.

Cowboys @ Baltimore - The common sense choice leans towards putting too much emphasis on 'Cowboy Implosion 2012!', and not enough on the fact that for half of their games so far, they're totally great. Also, I love the Ravens, a lot, but their defense kinda looks like Ray Lewis retired last year, and has given Terrell Suggs a terrific renegotiation tool. 

I found this, it's somebody else's. Go watch the YouTube vid.
'Boys Starts: I'm all in on Tony this week, and Miles, and DeMarco for that matter. Still don't have a lot of trust in Dez Bryant's ability to recognize basic hand functions, but he can't have a terminal case of the Finleys, can he? Also, I start their D. Boys Screw: Yeah, thinking about it, I'm probably skipping on Dez this week.....unless he's a flex.

Ravens Start: Ray Rice and Torrey Smith. Ravens Screw: Joe Flacco, Dennis Pitta and the Defense - Did you realize that Dallas has the top passing defense in the league this year? BECAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN THE MATRIX. You aren't running Anquan out there anymore, so it barely needs a mention, but I don't like any of these dudes this week.

ROMOCOASTER IS BACK ON THE UP! Cowboys win, and somehow do it by finishing a game.

Bengals @ Browns - This is going to sound like I'm lying to you, but I'm not, I swear...this matchup is one of my favorite games every year, because it's always 'don't look around that guy's basement' insane, no matter a Bears/Packers game, all bets are off. It doesn't matter if the Bengals are fighting for third place in the division, or the Browns are fighting for fourth; this is guaranteed tremendous football.

Bengal Starts: Red Rider, Legal Advisors and Insecticon. Bengal Screw: I know the Browns still have a horrible defense, but after two weeks of excitement, Andrew Hawkins has blended back into the scenery, so 'no thanks' to you, tiny little scrapper. 

Brown Starts: Trent is a gimme. Now, here's where it's going to become clear I've taken the wrong prescription: If your regular guy is on the bye, I'm all behind a one-week run of Brandon Wheeden. I know what I just typed, shut your hole. And for that matter, I'm big on riding the lighting and taking a chance on Josh Gordon in a WR3 or Flex position. Browns Screw: Can't trust Greg Little, and I repeat, that Wheeden call is for extreme circumstances only.

Haden's Return Disrupts AJ Enough To Give CLE The Win, and Majority Vote in the House.

This One's For You, Dwain Weddall!
Rams @ Dolphins - Wait, Rams versus Fins is one of the best match-ups of the week? GIVE ME BACK MY MIND! 

Rams Starts: This is gonna sound odd, considering what I'm gonna say four or five sentences from now, but 'nobody'. Not a one Ram shalt I start upon my fantasy roster. Ram Screws: Common logic takes the previous sentence and answers this for you.

Dolphin Starts: Reggie Bush, Hartline in a flex situation. Dolphin Screws: Don't like the defense this week, don't know any of the other Davone Bess still there? 

The Sum-Of-Their Parts St. Louis Rams Fall Short and Lose On the Road. 

Colts @ Jets - Wow, five weeks ago I couldn't have conceived of the following words in the order which I am presenting them: The Jets are coming into this game completely outmatched against the surging Indianapolis Colts.

Colt Starts: Andrew Luck has terrific stats, and you should now start thinking about playing him.....Reggie Wayne is a war machine. Colt Sits: As crap as the Jets really are, I still wouldn't put Vick Ballard in there unless your other RB options are 'a dead guy' and 'cargo pants'.

Jets Starts: Nope.

The Colts will MANHANDLE the Jets, Yet Somehow, Someway, Sanchez Will Still Start Next Week

Lions @ Eagles - Two squads which came into the season with high expectations, and yet are both somehow winning games, sorta. This could lead to something super-exciting to watch, or a seven fumble, nine interception affront to the soul of the game itself.

Lion Starts: Staffy, Meggie....and that's where that sentence ends, again. Lion Screws: Not touching that running game, nor that D, nor any of the extra receivers. Same old Lions.

Eagle Starts: Shady's the only lock, but chances are strong with bye weeks that if you've got DeSean or Vick, you're rolling them....however, if you've got anything close, I'd sit Vick until he stops looking like 'Old Mike Vick from Atlanta who can't pass none'. I know Maclin's been under-performing and crutched-up, but I still like him against the Detroit Secondary. Quiz: NAME A MEMBER OF THE DETROIT SECONDARY. There you go.... Eagle Screw: Again, I really don't like Mike Vick if you're not trapped in his web.

'Hey Coach? Um, nobody gave me a helmet yet....'
Chiefs @ Bucs - This shouldn't be televised under human rights laws. One team is totally underperforming, and the other one is the Chiefs.

Game Starts: Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, Vincent Jackson. Game Screws: Other participants, fans of professional football, Matt Cassell's career.

Um....The Chiefs Win, Cool? I mean, they've got to at some point, why not with Brady Quinn?

Bills @ Cardinals - SuperCardinals D is Average. Bills D is horrifying. Kevin Kolb v. Ryan Fitzpatrick; there was a day not too long ago when I imagined I would only see this showdown in a season preview for the UFL, how fortunate that fate has brought us this magical blessing two years early.

Bill Starts: got other guys, right? I guess Steve Johnson. Coin-flip on Spiller and Jackson which has quickly devolved into one of the worst time shares for fantasy since Carolina started paying millions of dollars for guys to distract in the flat to open up lanes for Cam. Bills Screw: I'd prefer you play none of them, if I'm being a caring nurturer, but it's your life.

Card Starts: Fitz, Roberts and Kolb - should be a banner goddamned week for the Cards passing game. Cards Screw: That Will Powell guy, or LaRod, or Alphonso, or whoever isn't running the ball this week for AZ.

Cardinals Radio Landslide Victory! 

Patriots @ Seabirds - Here's the thing: I hate both of these teams, deeply. On the Patriots side, that's a long-lasting thing; for Seattle, well, you know why. So if it's possible for both teams to lose, then I'm all for it.

Pats Starts: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS. Pats Screws: Six weeks in; six weeks of 'don't play Brandon Lloyd'. I haven't failed you with this yet.....also, don't really like Ridley or Bolden or Vereen or any of their RBs.

Seahawk Start: Marshawn Lynch, duh. Hawk Screw: All the rest....I feel bad for Sidney Rice, he really looked like he was gonna be something before he signed a contract with the Black Hole of Receivers.

Pats Remind Pete Carroll of His Place Via A Sound Beating, Followed By Double B Giving Him An Onfield Noogie.

Giants @ Niners - Flip a coin! This is a big game on both sides, and both squads are gearing up....

Game Starts: Anybody important. Game Screw: Ahmad Bradshaw, who will follow up last week's crazy stats with under forty yards.

Niners Win Because Angry Defense is Angry.

Vikes @ 'Skins - Game of the week? MAYBE. My belief is it's certainly going to be the most entertaining. 

Vikes Starts: All the starters - and that includes Jerome Simpson as a WR2. The Redskins are only worse at the pass than the Buccaneers (holy crap, maybe that Brady Quinn thing isn't a bad idea...)

Skin Starts: RG3, Alfred Morris....and for one final week, Pierre Garcon (don't fail me again, Pierre). Skin Sits: Hate Fred Davis in this, not sure why....the whole receiving corps is getting dangerously close to 'Saints-level', with nobody standing out consistently....yet not as soul-damning as the Seattle corps.

Redskins Win a Close One At Home - On the Final Series.

Packers @ Texans - Game of the week? Doubt it.

Suck it up, it's not 2009 anymore, Number 12.
Packer Starts: You're playing Rodgers if you have him. James Jones is turning out pretty good for a waiver pickup, huh? Packers Screw: Jordy, Finley, Three-Headed, Two-Yard Running Committee, The Defense, if they field one this week.

Texan Starts: One of two things is going to happen: The Packers' run D shows up, leaving Andre Johnson, Owen Daniels and Matt Schaub open for three scores -  or their secondary shows up instead, allowing Arian to rumble for 115 and two sixers. I'd bet on both. Also, their D should be good for 7 sacks. Texan Screw: Don't play Tate. Just don't.

The Homer in Me Wants To Call The Upset; The Realist Wins, and The Packers' Season Is Over. BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T? WHAT IF IT ISN'T?!? 


Game Starts: EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE PASSING GAME ON BOTH SIDES. Game Screws: Except Jacob Tamme....and Antonio Gates. Also, eff the running backs. Eff 'em all.

Broncos Win A Big One In a Shootout That MNF Hasn't Seen Since Lynn Dickey.

Buttonhook on three! Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's nice person.

In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - they know things, things you can't imagine - 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

WEEK 5! NFL Start/Screw 'Em Game Previews

IT'S A TRAP! Edition

by Matt Prendergast

One week back with the normal officiating crews and already we have world peace and an end to pestilence! No? Well at least we eliminated the questionable calls, like didn't happen in the Saints-Packers game. Hey Triplette, thanks for showing why they're pushing for a practice squad for the refs. Dink.

Looking ahead to this week, looks like a lot of mismatches, which I love for the fact that half of these games aren't going to follow the rules of physics, social order, or even the Brown-Little Handbook. Look at the lineup - including the Thursday game, even! Outside of Eagles/Steelers, every one of these seems like a terrific option for your Elimination Pool that guy in Shipping runs. I say to thee: proceed with much foreboding in your heart, young wagerer.

It's way too early for me to be upsies, and thank Gansesha for bye weeks to maintain my sanity - let's get to it!

Thursday Recap: Rams beat Cards - Let it be said: the Rams are going to cause problems for a lot of teams this years, it was just a matter of when they put it together, which was apparently 'this week'. Let it also be said that: Arizona really needs a 'running game', or more precisely a 'running back' with Brokie Wells, Larod Stephens-Figurine AND Ryan 'Ouchies' Williams all in various states of disrepair. That's what's gonna keep you guys out of contention kids....and with Ryan Grant finally off the market and everything! Paging Steve're not dead yet.

Dolphins @ Bengals - Bengals are 3 and 1, 'Fins are rolling in with an inverse equation....but the Dophins have moxy, kid! And also, a pretty decent running game, which the Bengals are not of the 'real good' against. Conversely, The Miami Oceanapes are goddang devastating against the run - perhaps because, based solely on the stats I'm looking at, they are playing with an eight-man defensive line and no secondary - 1st against the run and 30th against the pass? 

Fins' Start: Reggie Bush, obviously...Daniel Thomas maybe, if you're in bye-week sitch, and maybe, just maybe, if you're in like, a 14 team Dynasty league and effing James Starks laid an egg for two years and Jahvid Best's head is stupid-fragile, and Ryan Williams sucks and you picked up goddamned Ryan Grant just to have a freaking warm body up there, I might use Javorskie Lane in a flex. No yards, but has two weeks of goal-line rumbles. Not that I know anybody in the aforementioned situation. Fins' Screw: Brian Hartline. I know, you used your top waiver position to get your shiny toy; now people know. More importantly, in a game where they can run, Miami needs to throw at him roughly 63 less times a game. Expect a let-down for this week...flex at best.

Bengals Start: You know the obvious one, now here's this: Andy Dalton is a must-start this week above a whole lot of guys - except for Rodge, Tom-Tom, Mattefffing Ryan and oddly enough 'Joe Flacco', he's the guy that should be in your captain's chait - and so is Andrew Hawkins at WR3 - hell, WR2 if you need him. And if you're in a bye-week for your TE, Gresham's a good fill-in. Bengal Screw: Benjarvus. He's not 'I'm gonna beat the best running defense' caliber. Sorry.

That 30th-ranked pass D is going to sink lower - Bengals Take It

A brief Google Image Search for 'Butt Nug' teaches us that Bruce Arians is
apparently a dirty hippie. Knowledge is Power!
Packers @ Colts - Was a little nervous here about the Packers looking past this to the Texans, especially after the bizarro last two weeks, but then interim Colts Chief-of-Staff Bruce Arians couldn't shut the f**k up. Did you realize you were talking out loud when you deemed Clay Matthews wasn't even worth whatever the hell a 'butt nug' is?

Packer Starts: I can't justifiably sit any of the key guys on this team - and that's probably the homer in me. Fantasy-wise, Jordy Nelson has been a bust, but it's only a matter of time - and James Jones, now thrust in a starting role, has responded, I like him in a WR2 role...Ced's a push, still, but I've been putting him in the RB2 slot the last couple weeks and the results are decent. Decent. .Packers Screw: I just don't trust Jermichael, and probably never will again - he's a risk/reward player in a position that should be stable on your team.

Colts Starts: It's still Reggie Wayne in a WR2 or 3 slot, and that's it. Colts Screw: There isn't anybody else consistently involved enough to be thinking about - Fleener, Avery, Hilton - average guys (right now) on a very average team.

Packers Trounce the Colts; Andrew Luck May Develop A Nervous Tick

Ravens @ Chiefs - Romeo Crennell makes Todd Haley look like an NFL head coach. Your head just exploded.

Ravens Start:All in. I SAID 'ALL IN'.  Ravens Screw: Except for Boldin, who's mostly become very 'eh' since coming to Baltimore, despite their haplessness, the Chiefs D isn't the problem. And the D is in trouble....

Chief Start: Jamaal Charles, Bowe. Simple. Chief Screw:Though the Ravens blow against the pass like they're trying to earn money for nursing school without asking their a-hole parents, there's no reason to consider Jon Baldwin, or any of those other Chief 'aerial threats'.

Ravens Put Romeo on the Top of the 'Hot Seat' Rankings

Eagles @ Steelers So you're telling me that the Eagles are 3-1, while the Steelers are 1-2? That doesn't sound right, not at all. Why must you build a castle of lies? Two equally above-par defenses sqauring off in a game that could conceivably end with a total score under two digits. But it won't.
With skins that are real!

Eagle Starts: Is Maclin playing again? Yes? No? Honestly, I don't like any of the Eagles (save for LeSean) this week. Definite Eagle Screw: Vick. One more horrifying performance, and maybe it is time to give Foles a shot.

Steeler Starts: I know what I said up there about a defensive battle, but don't listen to that guy, he's all loaded up on Tato Skins. I'm in on Wallace, Brown and Benny-bobo this week....they've got that 'fresh off the bye and ready to take this crazy world by storm' feel about them, that would have made a terrific situational comedy premise in 1977. Steeler Screw: This really isn't the optimal cooking temperature for Mendy to get himself back out on that field....

The Pittsburgh Steelers Are Going to Make the Eagles Look Like the Pittsburgh Pirates (They're still bad, right? I haven't watched baseball in twenty years, is Willie Stargell still there?)

Browns @ Giants - Hey, you know who else is sporting a 'reputation only' defense this year? The Giants. Oh, and their whole receiving crew is receiving worker's comp. Yeah, I know, 'it's the Browns' - but this year Cleveland's Egg-and-Four is different, they're figuring things out and scrapping.

Giant Starts: Eli Manning, who gets his regardless of his options, and Cruz, but nobody surprising. Giant Screw: Andre Brown is a better fit on this team, and more productive, but still sits behind perennial fantasy disappointment Ahmad Bradshaw....avoid these RBs at all costs if you can, until Coughlin changes his mind and will, which happens with about the same regularity as the appearnace of a Great Comet.

Browns Starts: Trent Richardson is absolutely a lock going forward. The yards will come, in the meantime he's their points and should be their focus. And I'm going with Greg Little in a WR3 or Flex this week. Browns Screw: I don't know any other Browns. I mean, besides the 57 year old quarterback.

REGARDLESS! Trap Week Victim Number One: The Giants, Who Won't Understand How The Browns Did It. Nor Will Any of the Rest of Us.

'Could I interest you in a term-life pol---oh, I'm sorry for
calling you during din---sir, you don't even know my
moth---I've got a---hello? Hello?'
Falcons @ Redskins - I hate the Falcons and I'm not exactly sure why....I mean, Julio and Roddy seem nice enough, and Turner gives it his all, but it's just, I don't know, they're so Mike Smithish, you know what I mean? That fella always reminds me of an insurance salesman who can't close the deal, and spends a lot of time thinking about his three ex-wives, and how his kids hate him, and about how there's just not enough rye whisky in the world tonight. Flip the page, and I LOVE ME SOME SKINS! This year's team has even made me forget Dan Snyder owns them, and that's worth nine Super Bowls!

Falcon Starts: Regrettably, I have to recommend Matt Ryan again this week, and now my fingers feel unclean. Receivers are locked-in, the Redskins are somehow worse than only one other team at stopping the pass game, which will probably factor in to this particular match-up. Oh, and that means Gonzo, too. Falcon Screw: Mike Turner - hey, thanks for the effort last week, but these guys are pretty good against you ground guys, plus we aren't going to call any runs anyway.

Skins Start: RG3 is a weekly go, I shouldn't need to mention that anymore, same for Al Morris who's in the Top Five. Didn't realize that, did you? And I play Garcon if he's in the game no matter what, but he's 'my guy'. Skins Sit: Fred Davis. Hate that match-up.

Nonetheless, Falcons Overlook This One Until Too Late, The Skins Sneak Out With a Unconventional Win, Whilst Atlanta Gets a Reminder of What Vick Was Supposed to Be. TRAP!

Seahawks @ Panthers - Here's another thing I didn't realize, but I guess it makes sense: Marshawn Lynch is the leading rusher in the NFL. Thank god for Roger Goodell's lenient stance towards OWIs, right, kids? Meanwhile, Carolina's combined $77.5 million dollars in extensions for DeAngelo and Stewart have rewarded their faithful with the 22nd most lethal attack in the league, and that's with Cam, since DeAng and Stew are 28th and 48th respectively. Better illustrated: DW is one spot above Ryan Williams and one BELOW Cam. J-Stew has locked in one slot ahead of Mark Ingram, and one below PEYTON FREAKING HILLIS. It's break-out-the-moonshine time, Carolina!

Seahawks Starts: All that said, Lynch is the only Seahawk I'd consider, the rest of that team has the shakiness of a meth addict on day 3 of rehab. Seahawks Screw: Now that we're playing actual games that count and whatnot, Russell Wilson doesn't look all that 'good', for lack of a better term. Matt Flynn will eventually start here, and the sooner the better to establish some pecking order in the current soup-kitchen-spicy receiving pile. And that's the right term, 'pile', because it's not a 'corps'. Somebody give Sidney Rice some help out there, for the love of Pete.

Panther Starts: It's hard to sit Steve Smith - SO DON'T. Panthers aren't all that slick against the pass, it's a great week for Double S....and Brandon LaFell in a WR3/Flex spot ain't the worst call. Panther Screw: Greg Olsen, because Greg Olsen. And those RBs....yuck.

TRAP THREE! Panthers Stick One To the Seahawks, and Cam Newton Jersey Sales Spike In WI.

Bears @ Jags - Sorry this year again, J-ville, but your unbeloved Jaguars are bad again. 'Bad' bad. This is not a trap game, this is a mercy kill. Move that franchise to Los Angeles already, Kahn. The Bears don't win this as much as they accept the terms of the surrender.

Bears Starts: Cutty! And Marshall! And Forte! And The D! And That's It! Bear Screws: Outside of Michael Bush, you can't possibly have another Bear on your roster, can you? I'd sit Bush, as this is the one week this year Cutler will get to put on an air show like a big kid quarterback!

Jag Starts: MJD Jag Offs: The rest.

Bears By 20, Easy. We May Even Get a Jason Campbell Appearance.

Titans @ Vikings - Chris Johnson IS BACK! All the way up to 25th in yards behind Shonn Greene! YAY! You're almost up to 'below-average'! Titans have a better shot at this game with the cagey Hasselbeck at the helm this week, but let's be honest, the Titans' season is already over...the Vikings are legitimately making it hard to catch in the NFC North.

Titans Starts: Pass. No, wait! Jared Cook. I like Jared Cook a LOT this week. Titan Sits: Use your mind, leave CJ1WK there on the bench where you put him, next to Britt and Washington.

Vike Starts: If it's you're bye week, Ponder's your dude, and then the other two usual suspects. Vike Sits: I know I'm all hyped up on Jerome Simpson, but I suppose it's best to wait until he works into please sit him, so he can blow up in the three leagues I'm playing him in a flex because Kenny Britt is 'of the awfulness'.

Vikings Roll To 4-1 and Remain Tied for the Division Lead With Chicago.

Broncos @ Patriots - THE RIVALRY IS RENEWED! Or maybe 'not so much'. Remember a couple of weeks ago how mesmerizing it was that the Pats and Packers defenses turned things around so much? That didn't really last so long up near Boston.

Bronco Starts: Great week for Peyton, as unpredictable as he has been...and that bodes well for Demaryius and Decker in starting slots. In a pinch, I'd use Dreesen as a TE, but temper those expectations. Broncos Screw: Gonna be a bad week for Willis McGahee, which has been surprisingly rare thus far in the season.

Pat Starts: There's only two, can you guess which ones? Three if Hernandez suits up, but that's not happening. Pat Downs: Also a crudlicious week to count on Stevan Ridley to carry your fantasy team. And again, AVOID THE LLOYD.

TRAP 4 - Peyton Triumphant as He Rolls The Pats Like A Hobo Looking For Night Train Nickels.

Bills @ 49ers - Remember how the Vikings just walked all over the Mighty 49ers last week? That's why it's a horrifying week to be a Buffalo Bill. This is going to be 'sneak out of the room without waking anybody - LEAVE YOUR SHOES IF YOU HAVE TO' ugly.

Bills Starts: I would avoid any and all Bills this week, unless you're stuck and have to put Jackson or Spiller in, in which case, we wish you all the best. Bill Screws: The whole team. It's not their fault, they just pulled the 'Ripsaw' card out of the deck, luck of the draw. Especially not Fitz, who reacts to high-pressure games by going color blind.

Niner Starts: Vernon, Frank....Crabtree in a flex, maybe? THE DEFENSE Niner Screws: None of the other receivers really are sticking out....even the Crabtree pick is sort of a goodwill gesture.

49ers by Two Defensive Touchdowns and Then Some
Sonny made this, and it's so terrific, it deserves
to be the first pic to appear in back-to-back posts

Chargers @ Saints - SHOOTOUT! And in the Dome, even....I like the stats potential in this showdown. Feels like it's just about time for that Chargers' meltdown we've been waiting for....

Charger Starts: Eff it, Jackie Battle. He's better than Mathews, even if he doesn't start. Phil, Malcolm and Gates. Charger Screws: Can Vincent Brown hurry up and get back already?

Saints Starts: All the people involved in the passing offense, should be a fantastic fantasy week for the the NO hands guys, and the arm as well. Saint Screw: Mark Ingram, who's blah.

TRAP 5! Saints Begin the Turnaround, and So Too Do the San Diego Chargers.

Texans @ Jets - Please.

Texans Start: Smoke'em if you got 'em! Jets Screwed.

And We Now Return To Your Normally Scheduled ESPN 'Crapball' Night In America Broadcast. The Houston Texans Will Reward Your Years of Patience By Letting You Get A Full Night's Rest.

Buttonhook on three! Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's nice person.

In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - they know things, things you can't imagine - 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

NFL Week 4 Fantasy Start Em/Screw Em Game Previews

 Replacement Refs Still Win Edition!

by Matt Prendergast

Based on the first three weeks of both fantasy and real NFL footballs, one thing has become abundantly clear: God and/or the NFL hates me. I'm betting on the latter, but based on my picks from last week, I'm probably way off on that.

So this week, using a little of that fancy 'ESPN SportsScience' they showed on Monday that proved that the optimum quarterback height is 3'7", along with a lot of my own 'ReclinerQB Replacement Officials Factor' (it kinda like sabermetrics, except not boring and for nerds), we're gonna do things a little different.....last week, some guy named 'Javorski' scored a touchdown, so it's clearly time to take this off-road. Enjoy the ride!

And despite Twitter getting all suckered in today, it's Wednesday, and a deal isn't close, so strap your harnesses tight, because this jackalopes are running Week Four, come hell or high-water.


Browns@Ravens - In a normal world, I'd say 'start all your Ravens, except screw their defense, and pretty much only start Richardson from the Browns, unless you're stuck in a 'bye week, then maybe Greg Little?' But this weekend changed the entire football stratosphere, forever, so instead....

Look at that gorgeous hair!
Browns Start: Bernie Kosar. There's no #19 currently on the Browns' roster, so there's a terrific chance that Kosar will receive statistical credit for 280 yards passing and 3 touchdowns - ignore the fact that one of those will be a field goal, one will be a runback by #16 Josh Cribbs, and one will be scored by the Ravens - you're trying to win in your fantasy league, jerk, you've got to go where the credit will be given. Browns Screw (gross): Trent Richardson, who is guaranteed to finish the day with 23 rushes for -52 yards of defensive pass interference.

Ravens Start: Dennis Pitta wears #88, so by all means, you need to roll rookie WR Deonte Thompson, who may possibly be inactive, but wears number 83, and 3's look like 8's, right? He will get you about 78 yards and a score in the TE spot (and in a PPR, his 14 targets will be unconquerable). Ravens Screw: Ray Rice - as he is both a rushing and receiving threat, this kills his value, as current NFL officiating policy dictates that positive rushing yards cancel out positive receiving yards at a one-to-one ratio, so Rayplug is gonna end up with about 6 and a Quarter total yards from scrimmage.

The Cleveland Browns Take It With a Third Quarter Touchback For the Winning 9 Points

We Move to the Regular Games.....

Chargers @ Chiefs - A Barnburner!

Charger Start: Vincent Brown on the IR will really take KC by surprise with his four touchdowns on fair catches. Charger Screw: Malcom Floyd, who is certain to be hampered all day long by multiple seven-yard penalties for 'Spelling Malcolm Wrong'.

Chief Start: Peyton Hillis, because the back judge totally needs 31 out of him in the flex. Chief Screw (That's a terrific mascot name, btw): Jamaal Charles, who, as alluded to earlier, will be unwantonly contributing all his Sunday stats to the Peyton Hillis Flex Experience.

Chiefs Win: 31 to 4

Cheathawks @ Rams - We're gonna go 'very special episode' here for just a minute, so bear with me; Eff Pete Carroll, Eff Russell Wilson, and then use both of them to violently Eff Golden Taint. You will never be forgiven, you three lying crapsacks. They should have hobbled you on your way out of USC, Pete, and hobbled you good.

Deacon's own jersey was so frightened of him that
it urinated on itself before he put it on. Fact.
Cheathawks Start: All of them - Wilson, Taint, Edwards, Lynch, Obamanu, Largent, T.O., Shaun Alexander - ALL of them, ever. Because all they need to do is cry a little longer, and use those puppy eyes and and all the rules change. Every Seahawk that ever lived will get you 112 yards rushing, 105 receiving, 2 touchdowns in fantasy this week, plus 3 picks for IDP leagues. Cheathawk Screw: All of them, again. But this time with a pneumatic hammer.

Rams Start: Deacon Jones and the Rams D. Don't matter if Deacon ain't playing anymore, he's sure enough gonna make sure these chump refs finally give him credit for 347 sacks, and do you think any of those puds are gonna argue with Deacon? Rams Screw (painful): Steven Jackson, who's bound to have his knee destroyed when four of the 'Hawks Malachi Crunch his right knee helmet-first.

Cheathawks Win By -12 points!

49ers @ Jets - This game will be history-making, as it will be the first time John Harbaugh and Rob Ryan square off against each other according to the officiating cheat sheets.

Niner Start: Jim Harbaugh - chances are terrific that the one replacement ref who helped built the railroad across this great land is going to remember Captain Comeback is a QB, and that'll be good enough for 223 and three and a half touchdowns. Niner Screw: Randy Moss. That one's serious. Don't play Randy anymore. Ever.

Jets Start: Jim Harbaugh, because the other ref that needed a ride to the stadium on account of the shakes and the 'not legal to drive' condition will also remember JH is a quarterback, but he's sure not listening to that old fart back judge about which team, he smells like buttfoot. Also good here for 223 and three and a half touchdowns. Jets Screw:  Plaxico Burress, who is going to kill the Jets momentum with his patented fourth quarter 'unopen in the end zone on account of not having a job'. This will result in four minutes in the penalty box for Dustin Keller.

Niners Win On a Third Period Drop Goal!

Panthers @ Falcons - Yeesh. Even without the crud reffing, this is going to be ugly.

'You got Cam too? AWESOME, DUDE!'
Panthers Start: Cam. You know damn well at least three of every one of these Fan Crews drafted him early in the first round, probably with a top 3 pick. Panthers Screw: Well, the rest of them certainly aren't getting any breaks. Expect a lot of called-back runs and receptions under Replacement Rule Book #34: 'No Forward Progress Unless You're Cam Newton'.

Falcons Start: Billy Joe Tolliver as your WR1, has to be, because he wore #11, and Latinos don't play football, right, white hat judge? 'Julio', that's funny! Falcons Screw: Tony Gonzalez, because man oh man, white hat judge, now you're trying to trick me again! If'n there ain't a first one, there sure ain't another one! You're sh-thouse crazy, funny! Sure I'll buy an old Saturn from you after the game!

Final Score: Cam Newton 52 Panthers 0 Falcons 7

Vikings @ Lions - Certainly didn't expect the Vikes to be leading their division, didja? But I did expect the Lions to sorta suck it, so I was kinda right.

Vikings Start: Chris Kluwe, who should lead the Vikes offensively with 25 points based on the traditional NFL '5 points per punt' rule, instated way back at the kick-off of this game. Viking Screw: Jerome Simpson, because that sideline judge is also his parole officer, and he's gonna set him up for 'holding' with a drop bag on his first game back.

Lions Start: Barry Sanders, who will finally get that NFL rushing record he hasn't been chasing for 14 years. Lions Screw: Kevin Smith. Like usual.

Vikings Win,  7-6, 3-6, 7-4 and Advance to the Quarterfinals

Patriots @ Bills - One things for certain in this week's re-staging of this immortal blood feud: One of these teams is leaving with a retroactively cleansed undefeated record, and the other will be exiled to Bolivia to begin their new lives as a sugar cartel. (Replacement Rule Book #123)

Pats Start: Steve Grogan, the greatest quarterback in Patriots' history See below for all the proof you need. Pats Screw: Lou Diamond Phillips in La Bamba.

Bills Start: OJ Simpson. Bills Screw: OJ Simpson.

Nicole Brown Simpson Is The Loser In This Matchup.....OLD SCHOOL OJ HUMOR FTW!

Bengals @ Jaguars - This game will be cancelled due to Head Referee Jim Core's incurable lifelong fear of big cats.

Double Forfeit, Which Means Free Crunch Dip at Dairy Queen!

Dolphins @ Cardinals - It's gonna be a tough ride to the desert for the Sunshine Saviors - particularly since the Ruby Tuesday's next to the Red Roof where the refs are staying is running a 3-for-1 on Jagerbombs on the Saturday night before.

'That's a 5 yard penalty for...uh..krunking?'
Dolphin Start: Karlos Dansby. Playing against his old squad, Karlos should easily be able to intimidate the officiating crew into crediting him with 4 sacks, 2 picks and 11 Two Point Conversions. Dolphin Screw: I'd feel safe playing any of their receivers, as all the OPI calls will be going against Chad Johnson, that guy the officials saw on Hard Knocks, because he's their receiver, right guys?

Cardinals Start: Beanie Wells, though temper your expectations, as his status on the IR will likely result in being credited with under 8 three-pointers. Cardinals Screw: Larry Fitzgerald, as his propensity for roughing the passer, icing the puck, and filibustering the House of Representatives is going to cost his fantasy owners more than a few Pac-Mans.

Raiders @ Broncos - Finally, a game this week that may indeed elicit a stadium fire with one bad call! While the 'inciting' part of that riot might be easier were this in Oakland, that fresh mountain air sure can carry an ember!

Raider Start: Seabass. This one's for real. Seabass is not only the greatest kicker to ever play, not only the greatest Raider to ever play, but might one day be regarded as the greatest person ever. Raider Screw: Darren McFadden, who will be forcibly ejected from the game early in the first quarter for 'Eyeballing the Back Judge' (Replacement Rule Book #3)

Broncos Start: Eh, whoever, pick one! Broncos sit: Gary Hogeboom.

Final Score: Denver: Eleventy, Raiders: π

Titans Oilers @ 1984 Texas Rangers - What better way to celebrate our rich American history in sports than by really going throwback! Anybody can wear a jersey, but not just anybody can use their oil money to tear a rip in the time-space continuum....HOORAY FOR TEXAS!

Oiler Start: The Tyler Rose, Earl Mothereffing Campbell. Below is the greatest run in the history of the sport, and some thirty years later, will garner you 15 and 2/3rds points in regular fantasy scoring Oiler Screw: Chris Johnson. Seriously: Eff that guy already. Useless. He'll be good for 18 carries for 3 yards. FOR REALS.

Rangers Start: Buddy Bell...should go 3 for 5 with a double and a knock. A ringer against lefties, and a solid glove. Rangers Screw: Odell Jones. Classic gas can. Oilers should light him up early.


Redskins @ Buccaneers - Considerado un clásico de rivalidad absolutlely nadie, aquí está uno de esos 'sólo' para los fans de emparejamientos en la cuarta semana.

Redskins Beginn: Ryan Grant - Sie wollten nicht unterschreiben ihn seinen Arsch auf der Bank sitzen! 152 Meter und eine halbe Touchdown! Redskins Schäube: Robert Griffin III, da diese refs haben genug von seinem "Talent" Unsinn hatte.

Buccaneers Početak: Stvarno, Doug Martin je samo redovito 'ići' na ovoj momčadi tjedna u tjedan dana i van, ali Redskins nisu najtvrđeg protiv pass, pa ako bi moglo biti dobar tjedan za Vincent Jackson ili Mike Williams - osobito u savijati. Buccaneers Vijak: Josh Freeman je najviše nezanimljiv bek početkom u NFL danas.

Fitorja Për Redskins, që të fillojnë të kërkojnë Moxie e tyre!

Saints @ Packers - I'm too close to this one, so instead I'm turning over this game preview to fellow ReclinerQB contributor Sonny Prier:

New Orleans Saints = Napping guy
Green Bay Packers = Pit bull
NFL Referees = Renton

*Originally published on The Fantasy Football Guys forums

Start ALL your Packers, and screw ALL your Saints.

Winner by a score of Green Bay 48 to New Orleans 14....THE SAINTS!

Giants @ Eagles - Once a must-see, I'm afraid this year's showdown might get pretty unwatchable fast.

Giant Start: Eli Manning, as Umpire Oscar Shorten's kid has had that Manning Fathead up on the wall for ten years now, only he's wearing mostly white and a little blue, but that's the same guy, right? Give him six downs! Giant Screw (that's funny, kids!): All the NFL fans. Again this week.

Eagles Start: LeSean Tomlinson Eagles Screw: Goddamned Vick. That's a real one. Not touching that guy again this year.

Bears @ Cowboys - This is the Monday Night Game, right? Probably going to miss most of it, because there's no way it's gonna be as terrific as last week.

Bear Start: Cutty! If you're in a '10 points per interception or sack taken' league! Bear Screw: Cutty! If you're not.

Cowboys Start: Romo! If you're in a '10 points per interception or sack taken' league! Cowboy Screw: Romo! If you're not.

Winner: The NFLRA

Please join me Sunday for my 'Trapped in the RedZone' live blog of all the day's happenings, and join me again next week here, when hopefully sanity has been restored and Mike Carey returns to claim the throne that is his.

Wasn't that something? Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's lonely.

In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - they deserve love too!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

NFL Week 3: Start 'Em/Screw 'Em Preview Bonanza

by Matt Prendergast

ALRIGHT! Three weeks in, and I haven't given up this weekly evidentiary procedure proving I have both questionable prognostication skills and an undying need for attention. Hit me with your loving hammer NFL Week 3!

Since it's clear that Roger Goodell is opting to forgo 'getting qualified professionals on the field to maintain order' in lieu of 'fining every effing player the following week because that certainly makes a difference', let's assume that we're going to continue to watch XFL 2012 full-contact footballs. Which you would think would be advantageous for the Raiders, but it looks like they forgot they're the Raiders. Sad, really, it's like time forgot them.

Seriously, Rog. How about cutting off a slice of that sweet Time-Warner Cable money and getting Mike Carey back in charge, you dink? Enough politics, GO!

Thursday Review: The Giants aren't dead, and apparently aren't even broken; The Cam Nortons are.  Not sure why everybody else seemed to think that Camshaft wasn't going to get figured out, but it's pretty clear now that he has been. Great sign for the franchise when once again Steve Smith has to be the goddamn voice of common sense. In the interim, the Giants discovered their back-up RB is probably better than Ahmad Bradshaw, and they can plug whoever in at the slots and go. Glad I invested in Hakeem Nicks.  Martellus Bennett is pretty alright. Fantasy warning: I would steer clear of all Panthers for the next couple of weeks, period. Running game is horrible, and Cam has now shown his first signs of Vince Youngedness in his sideline sulk, sucks for Smith - maybe Cam responds, but how do you console Superman when it turns out he was just some dude with a blanket around his neck? Also, Greg Olsen was not a sleeper; he was Greg Olsen.

Rams @ Bears  - Am highly looking forward to this - on the one hand, the Rams are a couple of plays away from being 2-0. And on the other hand, the Rams are a couple plays away from being 0-2. One thing is definite: The Bears are definitely, soundly, 1 and 1. You know I'm all about the Stache here, right?

Rams Starts: Might want to start rolling Bradford out there, because, you know, he's in the Top 3 performance guys right now. Right after Alex Smith. Absorb that. Also, look at that list - have I been overestimating passer rating this whole time? The top ten has seven guys that were on my 'Do Not Draft' list. Run Amendola in a WR2, especially in a PPR, and I'm good with Gibson in the WR2 slot as well. Screw 'Em: Since Steven Jackson got a groin injury from being abruptly yanked off the field, and Richardson showed up strong, I'm wary of either guy since nothing has been determined, and the Bears can still hamper the run.

I didn't make this. Don't know who did. Is great.
Bears Starts: Michael Bush. We're done here. Screw 'Em: Cutler looked beyond 'bad outing', he looked incapable and Ryan Leaflike. And I'm no longer positive the Bears are doing their fanbase justice by continuing to run with an emotionally stunted and immature clown as their offensive leader - honestly, one more ass week, and they should give Jason Campbell a run out there. Yes, I mean that. He's used to passing under constant pressure.

Sleepy-Sleeper: If for some reason Jackson is totally out of this game, I would put Richardson in the RB2 or flex spot without a flinch. Or even a worry.

Jeff Fischer's Playoff-Bound Rams Win by Seven; Chicago Sports Radio Explodes

Bills @ Browns - This is going to feel weird to type, but the Browns are playing more fundamentally sound team football this year. Are my pinkies supposed to have this burning feeling?

Bills Starts: Spiller. And Scott Chandler, while the iron is hot. If you've got Stevie, it's a good week for him with Haden on the suspension list....Screw 'Em: Fitzgerald and all the rest of them.

Browns Starts: Richardson looks like he was a good pick after all - run him like you drafted him high (because I did), and I'd include Greg Little in your WR3/Flex considerations. Screw 'Em: There are no other Browns I would imagine are on any fantasy rosters anywhere. Maybe Old Man Brandon, but you aren't playing him unless you're in a 37 team fantasy league.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Meh. Don't have one. This game has the potential to get unwatchable fast.

I 'Member When I Thunk the Bills Were Good; I Was Young and Dumb. BROWNS WIN BY 3!

Buccaneers @ Dem Cowboys - It only took two weeks for Dallas faithful to start melting down - right on schedule! The Boys looked inefficient against a really good defense, and a pretty good team in Seattle. Settle the eff down, hoss. Buccaneers seem scrappy, but I have a lot of trouble believing they're really more than a .500 team this year.

Buc Starts: Vince J and Doug Martin Screw 'Em: Freeman and Dallas Clark - one's unmistakably average, the other played in the 70s, what a wacky pair!

Roll Them Boys: All name brands are safe to stock on your shelf this week. Screw 'Em: Again this week, accept you wasted your waiver spot on Ogletree. He's only a factor when one of those two top-shelfers go out-of-stock for a couple of weeks.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Tampa Mike has scored in consecutive weeks, not the worst WR3 or flex guy to get out there, since VJ will continue to get the priority coverage. That said, I like the Dallas secondary, and expect low passing stats for the Tamps this week regardless.

You might want to re-list this on Ebay as soon as you order it.
Jaguars @ Colts - Jesus H. This is why there's blackout rules.  This game used to be good.

Whole Game Starts: MJD. Reggie Wayne. Screw ALL The Rest of 'Em.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Donnie Avery in a flex or WR3 - we aren't at Bye weeks yet, and two week does not 'reliable' make, but....maybe in a pinch. Note: lots of sleeper notes about how Donald Brown is a great play against the Jags' worst run D in the land. Know what changes that 'Worst Run D' rep? Donald Brown.


Jarts @ Dolphins - A battle for a share of first place in the AFC East! How did that division become so bottle-of-pills sad so quickly?

Jets Starts: I still don't like any of these guys, really, but do you really think the Dolphins are going to hold them down and make them eat dirt? Run Santonio, for certain, the Fins are next-to-last against the pass. EVEN IF MARK SANCHEZ IS THE PASSER. Screw 'Em: They are, however, 4th against the run, which makes Shonn Greene even a worse play than normal.

Fin Starts: The Jets, however, are not in even the top half against the rushing attacks of the league, and Reggie Bush might just put together two back-to-back career games. Believe in Reggie. He needs the love.  Screw 'Em: The New York Football Jets aren't particularly great against the air game either, but that's where Tannehill comes into play. Aside from Fasano in some bizarre two TE league, I wouldn't touch any of the Dolphins receivers this week in fantasy play.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Jeremy Kurley - If Santonio gets jammed up, he looks like the guy Sancho looks for more often than not, and should be good for 60 and a score.

That Said, And This Is Going to Sound Ridiculous, The Dolphins Win This Game on The Ground and Rex Ryan Nearly Has A Stroke In Beautful Florida

49ers @ Vikings - Sometimes, the gods above hand out a 'gimme'.

Niner Starts: Vernon, Frank and ALEX EFFING SMITH.  Screw 'Em: All those receivers, since none of them seem to stand out whatsoever - any and all are a dice-roll at best, and you don't need to risk that this early.

Viking Starts: AD, Harvin.....maybe Kyle Rudolph in a squeeze. Screw 'Em: That defense is going to take a brutal pounding, and then still be asked to play three additional quarters.

Sleepy-Sleeper: I know what I said about the San Fran Receiving Corps, but if I've got a flex, I'm running Randy Moss out there this week - and that may be the last time I say that. Knows the team, lots of emotion, and the Niners will look to do the same thing with him against the Vikes they did against the Packers - score with him just to say they did. Bonus points if he removes his pants after the score.

San Francisco by Double-Digits. Probably In the First Half. Catch Up on Some Reading.

Chiefs @ Saints - Wow. This might be the sh*ttiest game of the week. I can't believe I'm saying that about the Chiefs/Saints in week 3. Two colossal disappointments floundering desperately to not have their season end before October. Guh.

Much less depressing. And cuter, unless Pierre wears a beret.
Chief Starts: Matt Cassell. The Saints cannot play defense, great week for your Chiefs. Screw 'Em: Your aren't still considering Hillis are you? Because some guy named Shawn Drawn or some such nonsense has edged him out of the back-up spot.

Saints Starts: Drew Brees, Pierre Thomas, Graham, Colston (if he ain't hurt), Lance Moore in a WR2. Because the Chiefs also cannot play defense either. Screw 'Em: Sproles ain't been much this year, and I think this is going to be a run-for-six, bomb, repeat kind of day....would rather have Ingram or Thomas this week.

Sleepy-Sleeper: I already put Lance Moore up there....let's include Jon Baldwin for fun! WR3/Flex only. Saints D is awful, why not?

Awful Saints are Still Way Better Than Awful Chiefs. By Like 17 Points. Book it!

Bengals at Redskins - Hey, can somebody tell me how in the hell Pierre Garcon got hurt again? Because I still haven't figured that out, and you're KILLING ME, PIERRE.

Bengal Starts: While I still love Benjarvus, and you have to play him, don't look for more than RB2 #s at best. Start playing Andew Hawkins in your WR2 spot for the bye weeks, dude is a firecracker jammed in a cat's behind; you're never gonna be sure what's gonna happen, but it's bound to be exciting. (Note: We at ReclinerQB neither suggest nor endorse the insertion of Class C Fireworks into any living creature, in any orifice, so don't do that, stupid). Screw 'Em: Jermaine Gresham is kinda feeling like a washout, isn't he?

Redskins Starts: Until he blows out magnificently, RG3 is a starting fantasy QB, period. And Alfred Morris is the same in the RB category. Screw 'Em: However, until Pierre tapes up his ankle or whatever, it's anyone's guess who's gonna get the looks (outside of Fred Davis), so I can't recommend playing any of the receivers....but I can DEFINITELY say 'it's not gonna be Santana Moss ever again'.

Sleepy-Sleeper: To hell with it, put in Hankerson in your Flex. See what happens.

Locked-in: 132 on the ground and 2 scores. A PPR must-start
Lions @ Titans - Let's just say this, so the healing process can begin: The Tennessee Titans are the worst team in professional football. Accept it.

Lions Starts: The usual suspects, plus Kevin Smith since Tenn couldn't stop 'Kevin Smith, director of Clerks and Mallrats' from going a hundy, let alone a trained NFL running back. Screw 'Em: Don't have any, really.

Titans Starts: None of them. Not even Britt, even though I have to start him in three leagues. Screw 'Em: The Tennessee Titans.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Did Javon Ringer rehab his arm back to functioning yet? Because when he does, he should start being their running back. Hell, they should make a run at Steve Slaton. Sorry about your damn Johnson.

Lions By Nine Million Points

Eagles @ Cardinals - Just like expected, a showdown of undefeated powerhouses! Here's the thing (copyright 2008, Kevin Moore), the Arizona Cardinals have been more convincing in their victories the past two weeks. This fact is made even more bizarre by the continued seemingly total absence of a viable offense. Should be a real barn-burner in the desert sun.

Green Bird Starts: Cards have a tougher D than anticipated, so I'd only go ahead and start only the Eagles offensive players that you have on your fantasy roster.  Screw Em: Except Maclin, on account of he's not playing this week, making it three of my four drafted WRs in my money league that haven't been certain to play since week one (See: Smith, Steve and Fancy Pierre).

Red Bird Starts: I repeat, I'm not sure how the Cards have won two straight - their running game doesn't exist, and there's still nobody outside of Fitz worth starting. Screw 'Em: Ryan 'Second Coming' Williams, Beanie, Skeletor and Kolb. And anybody else there.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Not so much a sleeper, but I have that gut feeling that Vick is due a big, 'no eff-ups' game, and a convincing victory here would do a lot to solidify what's been a sketchy undefeated start to the year. If you've got Mike, run him this week without a doubt.

The Eagles By Ten Celeks!

Falcons @ Chargers - Another match-up of undefeated behemoths! And this one is my coin-flip of the week, so buyer beware!

Falcon Starts: Receivers, and the QB, but temper your expectations - Chargers have a tight Defense on both sides of the game - less so on the pass, however. Screw 'Em: Mike 'Hard Lemonade' Turner....horrible match-up at the tail-end of a bad week.

Charger Starts: Falcons are about on par with the Bolts in terms of passing defense, but blow against the run. Thankfully, the Chargers still don't have a running back, necessarily. That said, I'd still run Mathews out there, even in limited duty - Rivers, Gates and Floyd are your other winners. Screw 'Em: Eddie Royal (who you don't have) and Robert Meachem (who you might) have only proven that stashing Vincent Brown on your bench for the second half of the season might be a terrific idea.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Even with Gates back, purportedly, I like the Chargers continuing to use Dante Rosario  in the clutch going forward. He will never - repeat, NEVER - have another game like last week. But he certainly can have a few 45 and a scores over the year, especially with Phil needing reliable guys for a few weeks.

The Chargers Continue Their Remarkable First Month Charge To Second-Half Letdown!

Texans @ Broncos - Let it be said that Peyton Manning has never had as bad of a half as he did last week. And the Broncos were still in the game. However, the Texans are purt near better than the Falcons.

Texan Starts: Foster and Andre. Maybe Owen Daniels in a tight race. Screw 'Em: Matt Schaub has been less than spectacular this year, see no reason for that to change this week - and I don't think Ben Tate repeatedly puts up RB1 numbers from the back-up slot - not against a decent defense like the Broncos.

Bronco Starts: Manning, Demaryius and....Willis McGahee. Texans are certainly tough against runners, but McGahee just seems to keep getting his week in and out - the Bronco offense keeps a balance, and that helps. Screw 'Em: Eric Decker has been of the disappoint to date. May change as the season develops. Won't change against the Texans.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Joel Dreesen. Against the team that chose to let him walk away, and arguably the more effective TE anyway, I'd run him out there this week above many of the name-brand guys - don't get stupid, there's a line of demarcation there, but you should be smart enough to know where that is.

Manning Don't Go Out Like That Two Weeks In A Row: Broncos Kick Houston In Their Holsters

Steelers @ Raiders - The Raiders should send the Titans money for keeping them out of the very bottom of the Sh*tcan. You dudes just got your ass mailed home by the Miami Dolphins. How's that Palmer trade looking?

'May or may not increase in value.'
Steeler Starts: If you got Dwyer, here's your last chance to use him, and you should. Both the receivers and Shreklisberger are safe and recommended fantasy starts.  Screw 'Em: Heath Miller can't keep being a productive fantasy Tight End. It defies the will of God.

Raider Starts: I guess you can't sit McFadden if you've got him, but good god. Screw 'Em: Note this was said here first; the Terrelle Pryor Era is nigh. Sit all those Raiders until further notice.

Steelers By A Ton, And Don't Be Surprised If Ben-ben is Out Clubbing/Running From The Law With Seabass by Quarter 3

Patriots @ Ravens - Now this! This is a Sunday Night Game! The 'Back-To-Terra-Firma' Flacco versus the 'Human-After-All' Brady duel; Rice v. Ridley (eh, sorta); GRONK V. PITTA!!!

Patriot Starts: Against the Ravens D? Well, run them all out there. It's not that good so far.  You were playing Tom-tom and Gronk and Welker anyway - but you play your Ridley, the Ravens haven't been real sharp against the run. Screw 'Em: I'll keep saying it: Brandon Lloyd was a wasted draft pick for you. And don't be insane and run Kellen Winslow out there - he'd have been on the team before if they had a real plan for him.

Ravens Starts: Did you realize that both the Pats and the Packers - last year's worst-evar defenses are both Top 5 this year? And then did you remember that it's week 3? Good. You have basic logic skills.  You don't sit Ray, I don't think you sit Flacco outside of a clear better option, and Boldin, Pitta and even Torrey Smith are all starts this week, as it's going to be high points to win this gunfight. Screw 'Em: But I'd sit the Defense. Wow. Never thought I'd type that.

Sleepy-Sleeper: There aren't any here - if I've got guys from either squad on my roster, I'm playing them. Even if it somehow ends up a defensive battle, it's well worth the risk.

Ravens Eek It Out; Pats Begin Search For Answers, Probably Involves Cutting Winslow Again

Packers @ Seahawks - And, a terrific Monday night game as well - how did ESPN land that? Somebody at the schedulemaker's office must have assumed Tavaris Jackson would still be starting for Seattle at this point, and that Marshawn would be imprisoned by his own demons. As luck would have it, no such thing!

Marshawn ought to wear a big fur stole,
because that looks fantastic.
Packer Starts: Rodge, Jordy and Jennings (assuming he plays). And the Defense. Screw 'Em: Cedric - it's just a horrifying match-up - even in a flex I don't like his chances for not making you cry-sad.

Seahawk Starts: Beast-Man, the Defense, I suppose. Sidney Rice. That's probably it - you've got better options everywhere else. Screw 'Em: All those other receivers that can't separate from each other. Do they still use a Tight End?

Sleepy-Sleeper: I know you've given up on him; that's why it's the perfect time for Jermichael Finley to strike with two scores - he's at his best when you've finally benched him. So trick-er-oo him back into your line-up for one week only (for now).

The Packers Continue To Erase The Memory of That Abysmal Week One, Whilst Russell Wilson Continues To Try To Keep His Head Connected To His Shoulders As He First Meets Hunter Clay Matthews. Packers By 14.

That's it for this week - good luck and god speed. LET'S MAKE SOME CHILI DOGS!


Did you learn real good? Great! Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. NOW. 

In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - it's takes like, a second...Make the time for those that care about you, you selfish pud.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

NFL Week 2 Fantasy/Reality - Start 'Em/Screw 'Em Previews

by Matt Prendergast

Welcome back, wasn't last week fun! YAY! FOOTBALL IS GREAT SUPER HAPPY NICE SHOW!

Alright, no time for horseplay, let's get right into the stew:

Hope you, actually, Mason Crosby. And Michael Bush. You didn't have Driver or Tom Crabtree or Kellen Davis. And you still shouldn't.  So that's about it....keep a good eye on Cedric going forward, he looked comfy and may very well be a solid RB2 as the season developed. Screw 'Em Cause They Screwed You: If you had Cutty or Marshall or Forte starting, good luck with the rest of your week. And the same goes for Jordy 'STOP REVERSING FIELD WHEN YOU CATCH THE BALL EVERY GODDAMN TIME' Nelson and 'DROPPO' Finley. And effing James are a frustrating man, JJ, but I still believe.


Chiefs @ Bills - Hmm. Already a stumper. In deducing the correct solution, we first must analyze the evidence collected a half-fortnight past, so let's proceed, Watson! First we know that: The Bills were horrifying. And sustained injuries to a) the starting RB, and b) the other starting WR (I think, I'm not sure who that is out there), and c) Stevie Johnson is still nursing a sore groin (gross). We also learnt the Chieftains of the City of Kansas a) Can't stop the pass (when it's effective), b) Can't really stop the run, probably?, and c) Can't stop the music. OTHER EMBARASSING CHIEF TO THE RIGHT- JENNER, -GUTTENBERG - HUT HUT HIKE!

Chiefs Starts: Jamaal Charles looked pretty recovered, and while Dwayne Bowe didn't seem to be on the field last week, he's still worth the run in a WR2 against a defense that let Jeremy Kurley become a commodity last week. Screw Em': Peyton Hillis looked average to worse, and don't expect that to change. And all the other Chiefs for the time being...

Bills Starts: Last week I told you Spiller was a terrific flex play...this week, he's a terrific starting RB. If you've got Stevie in there, you play him as well, and Scott Chandler is a pretty tight play at TE. Screw 'Em: The Bearded Bomb Launcher. Somebody check his locker collection of Phish bootlegs and find the hidden stash.....will not respond well to combo of 'less starting receivers' with the Chiefs 'returning starters in secondary'.

Sleepy-Sleeper: I don't think there's anybody in this game not listed above that I'd slip into a flex for surprise points - maybe Donald Jones? Jon Baldwin? Eh, you've got better options.

Chiefs Win, Will Trigger First 'Coach On The Hot Seat' Report of the Regular Season 

New Orleans @ Carolina  - Two games so far, and four 'must wins' on both sides? Good year so far....We already know the Saints have some issues stopping the pass, and the run, from a juggernaut offense like the - Redskins? - huh. On the flip side, the Panthers got solidly beat down by the Buccaneers, who didn't even particularly play that good of a game. Worries, Carolina, worries.

New Orleans Starts: If you got the big names, you play 'em, dummy. Screw 'Em: Mark Ingram, and, god forbid you drafted him with intentions of playing him, Pierre Thomas.  Yuck.

Carolina Starts: Well, the panic switch ain't been thrown on Cam yet, so he's your go...and I love Steve Smith AND Brandon LaFell this week. LOVE. Like Valentine's Day! Screw 'Em: Last week's leading Carolina rusher was somebody named 'Pilates' or something, who got 5 yards on 1 rush. Cam took 2nd with 4 yards. Eff. You. DeAngelo. And I no trust the Stewart just as much. Never has so much money been been so freely burned on nothing outside of acTennessee Titans negotiation. Is it the Tobacco Lobby or the Moonshiners Conglomerate? WHO HAS ALL THIS FREE MONEY?!?

Sleepy-Sleeper: Lance Moore in a flex, just in case he actually establishes himself as the #2 (finally).

New Orleans Will Not Drop Two In a Row To Start The Season. It Won't Happen. Sorry, Cam.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati - Well, if there's one thing we can count on, it's that this will be ugly. Always is, one way or another - and this one's special, it's the first time the two flame-heads get to duke it out for state supremacy. Only one may be declared King of Ohio.

Cleveland Starts: Try Richardson again. He's gotta start working sometime, right? Did somebody check his batteries? Plug him in overnight? Do we have the right USB cable? Screw 'Em: All the other Browns. In the words of MAD Magazine: Blecch.

Cincinnati Starts: ALL IN! On Benjarvis Green-Ellis, that is! Great week one again the Ravens, just think of the possibilities for this week, when he's not facing a defense! Also, AJ Green and let's give a tip of the hat to Andrew Hawkins, who slipped under the radar last week to be the Bengals leading receiver. And this week, he's against the Browns, so roll that dude in a flex....Screw 'Em: Dalton, still. You just have a better guy that you drafted ahead of him, you know?

Sleepy-Sleeper: Love Jermaine Gresham - last week he was barely a blip, but he has good outings against the Browns in recent history.

Might Not Be a Complete Drubbing, But The Bengals Will Win This With Ten Points of Authority.

Minnesota @ Indianapolis  - I like what the schedule makers laid out this year so far. It's gonna give a lot of iffy teams a lot of hope running into the second month before their hopes are crushed beneath the grinding Doc Martin heel of 'good' professional footballs. Except Indy's already gonna probably be done by then anyway.

Vikings Starts: I told you to start AD. I was right. Run him, run Harvin....but that's it for now. That's all they need for now.  OH, except that kicker - Blair Walsh (wasn't she on The Facts of Life? Or is that the missing kid from America's Most Wanted: Season One?). That dude is stone-cold.  Screw 'Em: One week doth not a decent player make of Aromashoe, so don't even think it. That defense ain't very good either.

Colts Starts: This is pretty much gonna just say 'Reggie Wayne in the WR2 or 3' for the foreseeable future, okay? Screw 'Em: Everybody else....except!

Sleepy-Sleeper: Donald Brown didn't start out real hot against the Bears, but as the game wore on, his efficiency increased - and he looks to be the primary back. MJD had some success against the Vikes, and the Colts will need a run game established for air success of any kind....if you lost Fred Jackson or Forte, I'd feel terrific slotting D. Brown in that spot this week, or a flex if you got it.

Minnesota Will Continue to 2-0 and Lead the NFC North

Houston @ Jacksonville - Jax hung in there last week, looking better than imagined. Against the Vikes. These. Not. Vikes.

Houston Starts: Schaub, AJ, Arian and...Owen Daniels returns to import! Screw 'Em: Tate looks like an old deflated ball last week, so I wouldn't trust him for much yet, maybe at all this year unless Arian really gets banged up. And Walters is out of your lineup until Andre is out of Houston's.

JAX Starts: MJD, and I don't dislike Marcedes Lewis. Screw 'Em: Gabbert may win me over in the long run, but not this week, not yet. Same for Justin Blackmon....he's still way too early in the cooking process.

Sleepy-Sleeper: But as Gabbert maintains composure, his receivers will benefit - slow first week for Laurent Robinson, but I like him a lot in a WR3 - maybe even a 2 if you've got a couple banged up guys out there. Don't expect world-beater, but 74 and a score ain't out of the question.

Houston is Nonetheless Going To Win By No Less Than Fourteen. But Less Than A Hundred.

Oakland @ Sad Miami  - Miami fans, I'd like to give you something positive to look forward to, but Jeff Ireland hasn't allowed for that, and I'll never lie to you. Here's the deal: Oakland has two of their three best receivers banged up, and still have the better passing game. Tough love. This won't be easy, but we'll get through it.

This came up when I searched for 'McFadden'. He should ride this into
the stadium during pre-game. And also on third down. TACO BELL FTW!
Raiders Starts: McFadden. Janikowski. And that's it. Screw 'Em: If it weren't for McFadden, we'd all be speaking of how Palmer is pretty done ever being more than average. Yes, doesn't help that Ford and Moore didn't make it in last week, but I wouldn't trust Carson (or the remaining receivers) for my fantasy team ever again.

Miami Starts: Reggie Bush. That's it. Screw 'Em: Tannenbaum looked AWFUL last week. Yes, week one rookie. But now it's only week two rookie, and his misery affects everybody else on this team for the immediate future.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Rod Streater - in a desperation flex, or maybe a WR3 - tons of talent, but a young'un. Did score the only receiving TD for the Raiders last week, and with Moore still likely out - at best being used only as distraction, I'm actually running Streater out there in one of my leagues in the 3 hole.

I Was Very Close to Picking Miami In the Upset, But Then I Read the Warnings About Side Effects When Mixing Day-Quil and Mucinex. So Raider Nation Goes To 1 and 1.

Arizona @ New England - Good god.

Cardinal Starts: No. Okay, 'Fitz', then 'no'. Screw 'Em: I hope the Arizona faithful can hold onto last week's victory feeling as they cry themselves to sleep.

Patriot Starts: Yes. All of them. Screw 'Em: Except Brandon Lloyd. And I'm not backing down on this.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Ryan Williams, but this is literally only because I have to start him in my Dynasty League as my long term options James Starks and Javid Best haven't worked out on account of awful. Note: You should not play Ryan Williams this week under any circumstances.

Tampa Bay @ New York Gents - One team came out tough and determined and surprisingly composed; the other came out flat and unorganized and got punked by a guy named 'Ogletree', which I had previous thought was a female hygiene product manufacturer, or possibly the fat kid from The Bad News Bears. Doesn't matter.

Buccaneer Starts: Doug Martin. Screw 'Em: Outside of Doug E. Fresh, the Buccaneers didn't win last week so much as the Panthers lost - tough D, give them that, but I trust nobody else on the offense in fantasy play.

Giants Starts: The assumed: Eli, Hakeem, Victor.  That was one week, they won't repeat that piss-poor play again this outing. While the Bucs D looked terrific last week, the Giants are a more experienced team, and should be able to adjust. Screw 'Em: But I don't like Ahmad Bradshaw normally, let alone against a squad that left Carolina with negative yards for their primary back.

Sleepy-Sleeper: There ain't one here. Maybe Hixon, but I wouldn't likely play him if I had him, so there's that.

Giants Win By a Couple O' Scores

Baltimore @ Philadelphia - Aha! Finally a game where I can make some brazen calls that prove I am either genius or a-hole! Probably both! Or at least the second one! This whole game is gonna be shook up real good inside the ugly bag and spilled out all over our living rooms. Ravens convincingly beat Cincinnati in a game that Cincy didn't lay down in, whilst the Eagles stole a game they should have lost to the Browns. I mean, they shouldn't have, in any conceivable plane of reality but this one. But in this one, yeah, the Browns should have that win.

Ravens Starts: Rice (no kidding?), Boldin, The Defense, and Flacco - but temper your expectations, he's not 'All World, Every Week' quite yet. Screw 'Em: Torrey Smith, until he does something two weeks in a row. Don't trust him.

Eagles Starts: McCoy. Because you have to, and he's that good. Screw 'Em: (Here we go!) All the rest of them. Celek is Celek, Maclin and DeSean are already all banged up, and Mike Vick, in fantasy play, just cannot be trusted. One good drive against the Browns - does that mean he's doomed against Baltimore? Nope. He may be lights-out. Or he may suck. He's a Human Dice Roll, and I'm done believing that's ever going to change.

Sleepy-Sleeper:  I'd play Dennis Pitta over every other TE in the league save for Graham and the New England Duo.

Baltimore Wins In a Backstreet Brawl

Dallas @ Seattle - A week ago, I'd have called this in favor of the Seahawks with much aplomb. There's the magic of a real week of football - no way, no how.

Dallas Starts: DeMarco, Dez, Miles and Tony Screw 'Em: Witten and Ogletree (I need more than one week, kids, but bully for you for winning your waiver wire). Witten looked like he didn't really need to rush back so quickly.

Burger King first shed light on 'Braylon Edwards Syndrome''
Seattle Starts: I guess Lynch is a go whenever he's a go - Russell Wilson wasn't your first QB pick, so don't play him, unless he was for some reason, then, well, one week is one week. I like Sidney Rice. Screw 'Em: That glorified defense didn't look quite as world-beating as expected, and Dallas is a considerable piece more lethal than the Cards. I'd look for a better option.

Sleepy-Sleeper: I know he dropped a game winner - but he's got tiny hands! I like Braylon Edwards in a flex or WR3 for the next few weeks....he's working his ass off, and that's going to benefit his owners (few, I know) and Wilson.

Raising ReclinerQB's Super Bowl Dreams To A Height From Which Their Eventual Shattering Will Be Quite Majestic To Witness: The Dallas Football Cowboys.

Washington @ St. Louis - Practically lost in the chaos that ensued after the lowly Redskins handed the Saints their ass on a titanium platter was this: The Rams could (and should) have beaten the Lions just as well. Hear me out: The Lions are not as talented as the Saints, but the Rams are not nearly as bad as everyone assumes they are. Keep in mind, they were very much on the rise until last year was stunted by injuries galore....and Jeff Fisher is a hell of a motivator. Good matchup offensively for both squads.

Washington Starts: Ride 'em while they're hot! RG3, Pierre (if he plays), Fred Davis and Alfred Morris should all be condition 'approved' for a start this week. Screw 'Em: I still hear a lot of 'don't underestimate Santana Moss'. I still ignore these voices.

St. Louis Starts: While I definitely think the Rams are going to hang out in this one, outside of Steven Jackson, there aren't any name-brand fantasy starts here quite yet....wait and see. Screw 'Em: While there aren't a lot of lock-and-load Rams quite yet, at the same time you also don't have them on your roster anyway. Unless you've been drinking paint - have you been drinking paint?

Sleepy-Sleeper: Just for the hell of it, if you've got Brandon Gibson sitting around, why not throw him into your WR3 or flex? Come on....DO IT!

As Much As I Like St. Louis, Washington Will Continue A Fun Run For Another Week

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh - I'll admit that the Jets surprised the hell out of me. And then I'll say this: That's not going to happen again. The Bills were horribly prepared for that game. The Steelers won't have that same challenge.

Attn NY:I will start rooting for you if you change your name
to something cool like Jarts. And also get these legalized again.
New York Starts: I'll begrudgingly say 'Shonn Greene if he's your drafted #2, and Santonio if a couple of your starting WRs are hurt or dead or something'. But I hate both those guys. Hate. Screw 'Em: Mark my words: That's the best game Sanchez has all season. It's still a circus.

Pittsburgh Starts: Eff it, if Mendy's in, then Mendy's in - bad match-up, maybe, but Rashard is coming back to fight for his job from Dwyer, and I love that motivation. He is doubtful, however, so if he is sitting, run with Dwyer and don't worry it none. LOVE Ben, Wallace and Brown in a game against what is assuredly a cocksure Jets team coming to town. Those guys are tremendous thunderclouds in situations as such. The D. Play that D. Screw 'Em: I like most of the obvious Steeler plays this week - with Revis out, Cromartie is gonna have more trouble covering those guys than he does his support payments.

Sleepy-Sleeper: I kinda went all-in on the Steelers there, but you aren't going to listen to me about Mendenhall, so I repeat: play Mendenhall if you've got him and he somehow ends up playing.

Pittsburgh Puts a Whipping on the Jarts

Tennessee @ San Diego - Chargers looked real good last Monday, and that's without a real running game - which, unfortunately, they still won't have available this week. Probably. Meanwhile in Titan Towers, they nearly lost their Qb and WR1 on the same play, gonna be a healthy year!

Titan Starts: Tennessee is going to have to throw to be in this game (for several reasons), so while I don't like Locker, because he's going to make his mistakes for awhile, I'm all in for the return of Kenny Britt. Since Nate Washington is going to be playing, also don't mind him as a WR2 or 3....the Titans will be throwing a lot. If you've got Jared Cook, I'd play him too. Screw 'Em: Did you draft Chris Johnson? Congrats! You got the biggest screwjob of the year. That guy looks wrong - just as wrong as he did all of last year. Will he figure things out? Maybe for four games a year, but if you can sucker somebody into giving you anything of value for this load, do it now and do it fast. Fantasy owners worldwide should be allowed to sue him for monies in a giant class action suit.

Chargers Starts: Last week they spread it out a lot - which devalues almost all the receivers to #2 or flex options at best - that said, I wouldn't hate Meachem or Floyd in that slot, and Rivers is back to #1 QB status just on confidence alone. Screw 'Em: If you need 'Running Back Stats' from a 'Running Back Here', move along. Oh, and Antonio Gates popping up as 'questionable' in week 2 already is a great precursor to him finishing his career on the Browns. GET HEALTHY, G.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Ronnie Brown in a flex - he's not getting you running numbers, but he is going to get you some decent receiving yards, and I'd add in a touchdown, this week. Then drop his can.

Chargers Will Definitively Build More Early Season Confidence That This Is 'Their Year'.

Detroit @ San Francisco - San Fran looked really good giving the shiv to the Packers. The Lions looked really adequate sneaking past the Rams. Expect the 'Fire Schwartz' rumblings to begin Week Five.

Detroit Starts: Stafford, CJ, and that's a wrap! Screw 'Em: This week should go a long way into preparing Lions' fans for Kevin Smith's fade into the either when either LeShoure or Best or Williams or Whoever come in and start carrying. Poor guy, he works hard.

49ers Gold: Davis, Gore, Crabtree, the Defense and...Alex Smith. Can't argue against a guy who works within his system efficiently. I wouldn't start him over any of the big names...but over Freeman, Vick, hell, Cutler (but it's too late for that), I'd start giving him a nod. Screw 'Em: I feel like that stunt play was just for the Packers and Randy Moss is going to fade away into a situational guy at best. Would not play. Manningham still looks lost, so I'd hold back on him for a little as well.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Kendall Hunter got a lot of looks last week - no reason that shouldn't continue, as it looks like they're trying to create a smooth transition away from Gore over the year. Not the worst flex, as SF should have run success against Detroit.

San Fran Coasts to an Early 'NFC Favorites' Article on ESPN

Denver @ Atlanta  - Don't know which surprised me more: Atlanta looked really capable of finishing, or Peyton Manning looked really capable of OHMYGODHE'SSTILLPEYTONMANNINGCRAP!

Now I want waffles.
Denver Starts: Manning. Thomas. Decker. Manning. Thomas. Decker. - the loss of Brent Grimes is going to kill Atlanta this week. Also, The Defense. Screw 'Em - Tamme had a good first week, but I suspect it's going to be 'hot hand roller coaster' with the TEs all year long in Denver, so I don't want either of them.

Atlanta Starts: You don't need me to point this out to you. You know that. Screw 'Em: The Atlanta D. Also, I'd stick Gonzo on the bench - I don't like his chances for scoring two weeks in a row anymore.

Sleepy-Sleeper: Willis McGahee - I don't know a lot of leagues I'm in where Willis isn't regarded as a #3 RB - maybe #2 - this year. In case he's a waffle for you, let's state this: This week, he's going to put up #1 numbers, and that will be the difference in this game.

Denver Beats Atlanta By Fourteen In a High Scoring Affair.

Now get out there and win some fantasy games! (And join me here live tomorrow for 'RedZone Live - Week 2', for as long as I can keep churning out platinum non-sequiters....please?)

Wasn't that the living end? Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. NOW. 

In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - it's takes like, a second...and if you don't have a second, then you might as well not vote this year, toothless. 

And for an extra sports sugary treat, today why dontcha follow Sportsmasher and The Fantasy Football Guys too? They've got several thinking caps, and occasionally employ them for good!