Hardcore Deep Sleepers (Part 1)

By: Sonny Prier

In the world of fantasy football, nailing a sleeper that no one else saw coming is more satisfying than winning. The bench is for fliers, yet every year drafters stuff their pockets with four point wonders like Woodhead, Hardesty and Garcon. If none of your draft picks evoke a "... who?" from the room, you have failed. I'm a big believer in taking big risk for big reward, and buddy, these are the riskiest.

To answer the obvious question: If none of these guys are on anyone's radar, why not wait to pick them up mid-season? Three reasons.

1) The smug sense of satisfaction that comes with being able to say, "I was there first."
2) Everyone knows you're going to cut your #3 WR for whatever rookie catches a touchdown in week 1 anyway. Flippant jackass. [Editor's Note: I did that last year when Randall Cobb exploded the first game, it was a bad move]
3) Shut up.

Julius Pruitt (WR - Miami)

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Julius Pruitt. Ouachita Baptist University, 2009. Undrafted. Signed by Miami in 2010. Here's a wideout that the Dolphins have kept around for two years despite his having less receptions than Curtis Painter.

Pruitt's career stat line is 2 special teams tackles. No one survives in the NFL on that kind of production. Something fishy is going on... Miami must think, nay, know they're grooming a stud. With Marshall out of the picture, their biggest receiving threat is Davone Bess. It's time to UNLEASH THE PRUITT!

I can't find any gameplay footage, so here he is naming Santa's reindeer.

Davone Bess wouldn't have remembered Donner

Greg McElroy (QB - New York Jets)

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Greg McElroy. Alabama, 2011. Drafted by the Jets in round 7. This guy graduated in three years, led a BCS championship team, and was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame! The Hall of Fame! For college football players! It's a real thing, apparently! McElroy combines the brain of Ryan Fitzpatrick with the talent of not Ryan Fitzpatrick, yet he's 3rd on the depth chart behind tweedle-dee and tweedle-derp. These freeloaders are most famous for things they did on the sidelines. Mark Sanchez for beating JaMarcus Russell in a hot dog eating contest, and Tim Tebow for watching Marion Barber fumble.

Tebow defeating the Dolphins

Sanchez is slowly but steadily improving. Tebow is directly sponsored by Jesus Christ. Unfortunately for them, if New York fans are anything it's impatient and godless. That counts for something in today's NFL. Tebow proved in Denver that a fanbase does have the power to control a roster when the loses pile up. McElroy is already playing this angle masterfully by ripping the asses right off of his teammates... just like a real Jets fan! This team is going to tank, and McElroy will be starting in October.

Micheal Spurlock (WR - San Diego)

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Micheal Spurlock. Mississippi, 2006. Undrafted. Signed by the Chargers in 2012. Vincent Jackson is gone. Malcom Floyd is now The Man in San Diego. Snort.

Philip Rivers is going to make a man out of Spurlock. Why? Because the last 3 quarterbacks he's had were Josh Freeman, Brooks Bollinger and the 2009 version of Alex Smith. That's going to end in disappoint no matter how good you are, son. Now he gets Phil the Stud, no entrenched competition, and a motivated team coming off a disappointing season.

...OK, look, I got nothing.
The truth is I made toast this morning and it came out looking EXACTLY like Micheal Spurlock.

Uncanny

If personal experience has taught me anything, it's that you never ignore toast. My toast says Micheal Spurlock is going to be huge, and the sooner we accept it the better.

Kyle Orton (IHS - Dallas)

No Orton No Peace

Tony Romo is a losing loser who loses. How can you be the leader of America's Team when this is your trademark moment?

His tears never broke the plane either

Kyle Orton on the other hand....

This photo was taken in 1973

Now that's a man the state of Texas can get behind.

I like Romo, and am sure he'll find another team to underachieve for soon, but Jerry didn't bring in a monster like Orton to ride pine.

Did you know...

That "Kyle Orton" spelled backwards is "Banging Your Mother Is My Touchdown Dance"?

Kyle Orton was awarded the 2008 Nobel Prize in Facial Hair?

That Kyle Orton totally could have saved those orphans, but didn't to prove a point to Tim Tebow?

An Orton's audible doesn't echo?



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